relationships

” Adequate coitus” what an expression!

The phrase that struck me in this article was “adequate coitus” I honestly don’t know of any one who has actually searches for adequate coitus be that either or?
Growing up we read books. Of flood gates, the earth breaking at its very core. We are either exposed to sex or not. It’s good or its dirty or very normal.  Again though “adequate”? Lots of couples do adequate but did we sign up for that?
Another question is frequency. The Kinsey institute has amazing tables on regularity, age and more.

On average  for married couples under 30 years of age; the frequency is about twice a week.  For married couples between the ages of 50-59, its about once week. These are averages.  Some couples are happy with more frequent sex, some happy with less frequent sex.  And that’s really the point:  not how much sex you’re having, but whether you and your partner are happy with the sex you’re having, regardless of the frequency.   If one, or both, of you isn’t happy then there are plenty of things that might be going on.  

Harry Fisch md says  that the “Penis is the dipstick of the bodies’ health”.  Sex gives us a clue to how healthy an individual—and a relationship really is.
If you can’t communicate how much you want let alone how, then go see someone.  Lots of relationship issues are around sex and money, based on communication.  Start talking

Article : http://www.esquire.com/women/sex/average-sex-time-0709
Thank You, Doctors: The Average Sex Time Is Not as Long as You’d Think
Everyone seems to complain that they either last way too long in bed or not nearly long enough. But what’s actually normal? What should we be shooting for?
BY STACEY GRENROCK WOODS
JOHN CUNEO
Yes, it does seem as if everyone at the all-boys high school and the methadone clinic is complaining of little else. I know what you’re thinking: If only we had the perceptions of 34 Canadian and American sex therapists on this. Well, now we do.
According to the new study “Canadian and American Sex Therapists’ Perceptions of Normal and Abnormal Ejaculatory Latencies: How Long Should Intercourse Last?” adequate coitus lasts anywhere from three to seven minutes, not including the Pledge of Allegiance. This data, from all the normal people who see therapists for sexual problems, corresponds closely to earlier studies, which put the average at five to seven minutes. (We can safely blame the two-minute discrepancy on the Canadians.)
“Very few people have intercourse per se [Latin for by thrust] that goes longer than 12 minutes,” says sex therapist Barry W. McCarthy. Essentially, ejaculatory inhibition, which is also called “delayed orgasm” or “junkie orgasm,” has less to do with actual time than an inability to ejaculate when you’d like. And premature ejaculation, which is also called “rapid ejaculation” or “your ejaculation,” refers to intercourse that lasts less than a minute or two.
McCarthy says you can slow things down by honing your technique through what he calls “nonintercourse sex” (what the rest of us call “jerking off”). You also might want to try switching positions and varying the speed and pattern of your thrusts, and then you might attain the required 18-minute minimum no legitimately normal person ever fails to meet.

Sex, increased toy sales and the pressure

While 50 shades may be mummy porn to some, it also makes no difference to others. It’s important to remember that for all sorts of reasons, some people choose not to have sex.  Some are single, some are couples.  Some couples fall out of the habit an some couples lose contact with each other.  Some people find themselves single after a divorce, a break up or a bereavement. They may worry about what when how as they have been with one person for a long time. Taking that step seems insurmountable. 

Talking to a therapist may help, it’s all about getting in touch.

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/woman/4486110/Women-who-havent-had-sex-for-a-whole-year.html (http://www NULL.thesun NULL.co NULL.uk/sol/homepage/woman/4486110/Women-who-havent-had-sex-for-a-whole-year NULL.html)

Sex toy firm Lovehoney reported a 400 per cent increase in sales of blindfolds, restraints and intimately revealing lingerie.
And a dramatic baby boom has been predicted due to couples’ increased action between the sheets.
This reported increase in libidos sparked by E L James’s “mummy porn” trilogy is working wonders for many – but not for everyone.
While the rest of the population fantasises about hunky Christian Grey and what he gets up to in his Red Room Of Pain, some women have been left out in the cold.
Socialite Tamara Ecclestone recently revealed she hadn’t had sex with her boyfriend for more than 12 months before they split up.
Revelation … Bernie Ecclestone’s daughter wasn’t intimate with her boyfriend for a year before they split
The daughter of Formula One boss Bernie Ecclestone admitted the lack of intimacy left her haunted by thoughts that her ex, Omar Khyami, rejected her in bed because he was cheating on her.
JENNY FRANCIS speaks to three women who admit their bedrooms are seriously lacking in action and reveal why they have not had sex for a whole year.
The single girl
YOUNG, free and single, Sharan Sunner hasn’t had sex for a year – out of choice. The 24-year-old health and nutrition rep from Leeds has not slept with anyone since the end of a six-month relationship last year. At the moment she is focusing on friendships rather than looking for romance.
Sharan says: “I know most 24-year-olds would think a whole year without sex is a long time, but for me it’s happened because I’ve had other priorities.
Erotic … novel sent sex toy sales rocketing
“Just over a year ago I was in a relationship for six months, so sex was very regular.
“But when the romance ended badly I lost all interest in men and decided to enjoy just being single without thinking about sex.”
Sharan has been on dates since she split up with her ex, but she always breaks it off before things become intimate.
She says: “I’ve been out with guys and enjoyed getting to know them and having a flirt, but I cool things off before sex is on the cards.
“I went out on a few dates with a guy recently and he wanted things to progress into the bedroom but I didn’t, so we called it off. It’s not that I don’t want to have sex at all. I just don’t think it’s worth all the hassle because it complicates things.”
Sharan is very busy after recently changing jobs and she is spending most of her free time catching up with friends. So she would find it difficult to fit men into the equation.
“I love going out at weekends with my girlfriends, partying and having a good time,” she says.
“I have so much fun with my friends that picking up a man is often the last thing on my mind.
“I’m not a shy girl but my body confidence isn’t at its highest at the moment, so I’d rather concentrate on just having a good time and focus on my job than sleep with someone I don’t really know.”
But while Sharan’s sexless year has been largely down to personal choice, she does hope that intimacy is on the cards in the not too distant future.
She says: “I’m hoping to break the no-sex streak soon.
“I don’t want to go on like this for too long but it would have to be with someone I trusted.
“Who knows, it might give me the body confidence boost I need.”
The married couple
‘Sex became less and less frequent after our daughter was born’ … Charlotte and Chris Everiss
STAY-AT-HOME mum Charlotte Everiss and her husband Chris haven’t had sex for over a year. The couple, from Great Wyrley, Staffordshire, have been married for nine years and have a daughter, Addison, four. They put their dwindling love life down to loss of body confidence.
Charlotte, 34, says: “When Chris and I got married nine years ago our sex life was never an issue — we had sex at least twice a week.
“But things in the bedroom started to go wrong a few years ago.
“I put on three stone while I was pregnant with our daughter Addison, who is now four, and I have struggled to lose the weight ever since.
“My body felt very different with bigger boobs, and despite dieting I felt embarrassed about my appearance, which didn’t make me feel sexy at all.”
Being tired due to all the running around after a young child didn’t exactly help matters. And Charlotte says their time as a couple in the bedroom became less and less frequent as sex slowly fell down the pecking order of things.
“I didn’t have the time to look nice and treat myself to sexy lingerie because it wasn’t a priority in the scheme of things,” she says.
“Before Addison, our sex life was great. And when it started to become less frequent, at first it just seemed normal because we were both so tired and worn out from being new parents. But the longer the gaps in between us having sex, the more noticeable it became.”
Feeling increasingly self-conscious and unhappy about her body, Charlotte convinced herself that 39-year-old Chris, an online manager, didn’t find her attractive any more.
She says: “He wasn’t asking for sex so I assumed he didn’t want to, and eventually sex stopped altogether.
“Also, with Addison in the next room, I felt conscious of having a child in the house and often used that as an excuse not to have sex.” While Charlotte thought the spark had gone, she didn’t realise that Chris was suffering from similar body hang-ups.
“Only now that we’ve opened up about not having sex have I discovered that my husband was struggling with his body confidence, too,” she says.
“He feels overweight and unattractive and thought that I didn’t want to have sex with him!
“I’d never imagined he’d felt that way and now I realise we’re both as bad as each other. I often feel like we’re friends rather than husband and wife.”
Charlotte admits their lack of intimacy has put an incredible strain on their marriage.
She says: “Not having sex has definitely caused friction in our relationship as I sometimes feel like I’m not married.
“Chris and I didn’t talk about the fact that the intimacy had stopped until now and it’s made me realise that we both clearly miss it.
“We’ve both been thinking the other wasn’t interested in sex any longer because of the body issues we were having, which doesn’t make for a healthy relationship.
“Recently, we’ve both joined an exercise programme to tackle our weight issues and I have been out running three times a week.
“Now everything is out in the open and I know Chris still finds me attractive.
“I feel more confident, so maybe we’ll get back between the sheets soon.”
The divorcee
‘After my divorce I cut myself off from men’ … single mum Paula Hollis
SINGLE mother-of-three Paula Hollis has been celibate for over a year. The 45-year-old, from Blyth, Northumberland, has struggled with the idea of a new physical relationship since her tough divorce 18 months ago.
Paula says: “I had been with my ex-husband for 14 years and when we got divorced I just couldn’t imagine being with anyone else after being that close to someone for so long.
“After getting over the tough break-up, instead of wanting to get out and meet new people, I started cutting myself off from men and any kind of sexual contact.
“Now, after a year of shunning any advances, no sex has just become the norm for me.”
But this lack of a love life is not something Paula ever thought she’d become accustomed to.
She explains: “My ex-husband had a very high sex drive and we used to have sex all the time before we split up — at least three times a week.
“We didn’t ever get to the stage where it stopped, so it is a bit of a shock to the system.
“I thought I would crave the intimacy of it but so far I haven’t been too bad.
“If I was to sleep with someone now it would have to be someone I’d known for a while, and I’d have to trust them.
“It couldn’t be someone I’d just gone out and met, as I’d feel very nervous and unsure of myself with a stranger.
“And anyway, in the past 18 months I’ve realised that I don’t need a partner — or sex — to keep me happy.”
With three sons to look after — 21-year-old twins from a previous relationship, and six-year-old David, right, with her ex — Paula has lots to keep her busy. She would find it hard juggling a social life with being a mum.
“With David being so young, I don’t have much time to go out and meet new people,” she says.
While some women might like the thrill of meeting and sleeping with someone new, that is not the way Paula wants to live.
She is happy just to be with her sons and her good friends, and insists that she doesn’t miss sex — at least, not at the moment.
Paula says: “My friends are very supportive of me and know I’m happy spending my time with my boys and them.
“Obviously I don’t want to go on like this for ever, but for now I’m happy without sex.”

Shades of grey…

There is an irony when I give out my card and I hear, ooooh grey …..  Sales for 50 shades of grey have reached 660,000 a week at one point.

Every so often bdsm gets trendy. Lots of people think mmm, must try that. Tipping the velvet was the same for the UK, just in a television series.

Bdsm participants are still judged however. This book may put an angle on it for you yet how would you feel if the guy over there who likes his testicles nailed to a plank offers to baby sit your child? Or finding out that woman who works with you likes to be tied up and pee’d on? It’s alright to try to a certain point, but oh I’d never go that far? The book sells the romantic side with a hint of pain. The reality is open communication,  negotiation, meeting lots of people who potentially don’t have the same kink as you let alone the same vanilla ( all the “normal” people) interests.

I see bdsm clients. I see the person and work with the issue they bring which may or may not have anything to do with their kink. I am kink aware and kink friendly and my clients are very aware of that non judgemental stance.

One thing that strikes me is how knowledgable people become. About themselves, their limits, what they want and what they don’t want. They become aware. They also look into safety. It terrifies me that floggers and nipple clamps are increasing in sales. The romantic ideal is one thing, the reality on risk awareness is another. If s/he hits me there that’s my kidneys or potential hip damage. If the clamps are strong, blood supply issues etc etc etc.

Plus life gets in the way for kinky people too!  To have to cook, clean, sort the kids or run late after that meeting means you really have to want to “play”. Thw coming out or staying in the closet and the implications of being outed to friend and family, let alone work. I also see bdsm clients with anxiety, relationship issues and low self esteem and depression for example.

Having fun is great, risk awareness is paramount. Selling the idea that bdsm is the ultimate relationship though? They seem to be more intense, more passionate at times yes. They also suffer from normal relationship issues as the common denominal factor here is simple. They’re still human beings!

Also for couples with issues who use bdsm to spice things up, while sex really matters, introducing bdsm into your bedroom or life could potentially add to your issues eventually. It takes excellent comunication and what happens if one likes it more than the other or one says enough.

If a relationship isn’t going well then therapy can help, there are no guarantees yet change often occurs.

 

 

http://www.standard.co.uk/lifestyle/esmagazine/the-fifty-shades-of-grey-effect-how-london-got-kinky-7938483.html (http://www NULL.standard NULL.co NULL.uk/lifestyle/esmagazine/the-fifty-shades-of-grey-effect-how-london-got-kinky-7938483 NULL.html)

The Fifty Shades of Grey effect: how London got kinky There was a time when Londoners were nervous about nipple clamps and freaked out by floggers. Not any more. The BDSM bestseller Fifty Shades of Grey has the capital on its knees

Fan-tastic, how fiction written in homage by fans on the internet paved the way for Fifty Shades of Grey

‘I’m not into pain, but I was inspired to go out and buy a flogger. I love it’

Last Christmas, if you’d mentioned BDSM over drinks (and as GQ’s sex columnist, I stand guilty), you’d have been met with blank looks. ‘Floggers?’ Piers Morgan once confided. ‘A glass of wine would be a better aphrodisiac.’ Today, however, Bondage, Dominance and Submission Sado-Masochism is so now. And rocketing sales of a colourful gamut of bondage toys would suggest that we’re not merely reading about this summer’s ruling literary hero Christian Grey’s Red Room of Pain, but recreating it.

Because the sudden acceptability — even voguishness — of relatively hardcore erotic adventure seems to have been triggered by the remarkable success of the kinkbuster novel Fifty Shades of Grey, now the fastest-selling paperback in history, with some ten million print and more than one million e-reader copies devoured so far. Couple its colourful contents with tumescent media revelling in any opportunity to discuss the S&M nature of the novel, and it is perhaps unsurprising that naughty sex has sashayed out of the shadows.

Matthew Curry, head of e-commerce for the UK’s largest online retailer of sex toys, Lovehoney.co.uk, has seen a huge change in buyer behaviour as a result of the book. ‘First-time customers are especially emboldened: normally they’d pick something like a small vibrator; instead we’ve seen a huge growth in sales of items such as nipple clamps.’ The figures are impressive. In March the site sold just over 200 pairs of nipple clamps. In June it sold 1,214. Over the same time, sales of whips and floggers have doubled, and sales of Ben Wa Balls (metal balls used for internal female stimulation, which cause Fifty’s heroine Anastasia’s ‘inner goddess [to do] the dance of the seven veils [and make her] needy, needy for sex’) are up by 400 per cent.

The Hoxton women-only erotic emporium Sh! reports similar spikes. It has seen partic-ular interest in entry-level spreader bars (bars designed to hold arms or legs apart, in this case with Velcro fastenings); Sh! ball gags — and spanking classes — have repeatedly sold out.

Where Fifty Shades has come to be known as ‘mummy porn’, enjoyed secretly on the Kindle by older women, it has exploded across all ages and definitely no longer just appeals to mothers. ‘I’m not into pain, but I was inspired to go out and buy a flogger. I love it,’ says Gemma (not her real name), 34, a single management consultant from South London. ‘The way EL James describes the toys in the book makes them sound glamorous and accessible — not cheap plastic things that would be ugly.’ Over the past few years high-end designers have quietly been working the erotic arena: the award-winning designer Yves Béhar, for example, collaborated on sex toys with manufacturer Jimmyjane, and Alex Monroe, a jeweller more usually known for nature-inspired pendants loved by Elle Macpherson and Emma Watson, has created a beautiful range of gold-plated, butterfly nipple clamps. ‘I also bought a tickler,’ Gemma adds. ‘It’s an amazing device. I couldn’t believe I’d never even heard about ticklers before. But then, I don’t spend time in sex shops so how would I have done?’

Mistress Absolute, a West London-based dominatrix who runs Club Subversion (a nightspot that twins dance spaces and dungeons) on the Albert Embankment, and organiser of the annual London Fetish Weekend, also recognises the Fifty Shades effect in inspiring interest in Londoners who might not otherwise have considered BDSM. But she’s equally keen to place the trend in a larger context. ‘Sexually our tastes are developing,’ she says. ‘We’re moving away from a hegemonic society, where 2.4 kids is the ideal, and seeking new things to try. The foundations of this move are various: shops such as Coco de Mer, for example, have for a while now made kink feel less smutty. On the club scene we’ve also seen more events based around fantasy. It’s a reaction to the economic situation: when times are tough, people want to dress up and go crazy. BDSM is an escape from the real world, creating a domain which is sub/dom but also consensual and safe.’

She also emphasises the role of the media, and in particular celebrities such as Lady Gaga. Where the lesbian kiss was de rigueur to demonstrate their sexed-up credentials in the early Noughties, that has now been tossed aside in favour of BDSM references. As well as Gaga, Christina Aguilera went for it with a diamond ball gag in the video for ‘Not Myself Tonight’; and Rihanna aced them all with her single ‘S&M’, the video for which saw her swinging from the ceiling in Japanese Shibari bondage rope and flicking her crop at journalists whom she’d trussed up with tape.

‘Of course, what they’re doing isn’t new. It’s a throwback to what Madonna based her early career on — kink repackaged for a new generation,’ says Absolute. S&M has breezed in and out of fashion almost as far back as records exist. Images on pots from the 6th century show that Ancient Romans had a taste for it, and culturally it has popped up in everything from the Earl of Rochester’s bawdy 17th-century verses to the infamous butter scene in 1970s erotic classic Last Tango in Paris.

The consensual nature of Anastasia and Christian’s relationship in Fifty Shades is emphasised via a 50-page Submissive Contract, which Anastasia is free to edit according to her limits (and which, when she reads with her ‘heart still pounding’, she discovers includes gems such as there will be ‘No acts involving children and animals’). The power that Anastasia wields is surely a key part of the book’s appeal. Perhaps as much as anything it made female readers recognise that, even as a submissive, they still could choose what happened to them in a BDSM scenario.

‘I used to have a judgement on BDSM,’ says sex and relationship coach Sue Newsome. ‘But once I studied it, I realised that while the dominant has control, the submissive has the power. If they are not responding, the master has to change what he is doing.’ Newsome is excited by the possibilities afforded by the popularity of the book. ‘I’ve noticed the buzz and think it’s brilliant. Sex games can help people to have open and honest communication about their curiosity and desires.’ But she advises caution: ‘Having read it, people have been coming to me to understand how to explore BDSM safely. I emphasise to them there has to be trust. There are risks. All kinds of equipment are readily available; for a few pounds you can buy a cane, and with it you can inflict an immense amount of pain.’

As a first step, she highlights the importance of knowing what you want to get out of erotic experiments, of having rules about your limits and also having safe words. (Since half the fun of power play is pretending that you are being forced to do something against your will, yelling ‘Stop!’ tends to imply the opposite. If you really mean, ‘Desist immediately or I’m calling the police,’ then a safe word such as ‘red’ is a better bet.) ‘BDSM can be a fantastic gateway to sexual pleasure and connection for everyone,’ she finishes. So, listen closely as you walk down the street on a quiet evening. You may just hear the creaking of women’s bodies suspended from the rafters, or even the crack of a whip…

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